Skip to main content

Panic! at the lockdown

Helloooo! (read that in Mrs Doubtfire's voice please) It's me, if anyone remembers me, I'm here! It's been nearly 3 months since I last posted on here, and there's no excuse really other than the fact I've just been too lazy. I will say I've been lacking ideas a little bit recently, maybe because I've been happy, I haven't had anything to moan about (and that's the tea ☕👀), but there's been something pretty big going on the last few weeks hasn't there.

I'm being a bit hypocritical with this post, because I'm sick of hearing about Coronavirus/Covid-19 and not being able to escape from it, but because of it, that's what has inspired this post. If you're also sick of hearing about it, please don't close the tab, the post is more about me (if you're new here, it's a common topic), rather than the 'thing' itself.

So the last couple of months while it's all been kicking off, I've been relatively calm about it all, especially in the early days before it reached us and while we were all still going to work. Admittedly, I was washing my hands more often - I mean, I washed them anyway at the 'normal' times, but ya know, I went on a train and washed them as soon as I got off which I wouldn't normally do, that kind of 'extra-washing'; but other than that, I didn't really change much. I did notice a massive change when I went to London at the beginning of March for a work-thing, commuted at rush-hour in central-London and it could have been 2 o'clock in the afternoon in zone 6, it was weirdly quiet. However, I'd say in the last 2 weeks, the panic has hit me a little bit.

So I haven't been panic buying (if you are, please stop being a muppet about it), and last week I went to my boyfriend's (oh yeah, I have a bf now if you didn't know😊) graduation where there will have been a couple of hundred people there (this also had a lot of restrictions around it, it wasn't a free-for-all), and I was still going into work as normal. However, the constant overload and stream of information has definitely had an effect on my mental health. I don't know why it is, but my dad is the kind of man who always has the news on, even if it's the same information he heard that morning, and he will hear again at night, but admittedly, I snapped at him a few times to turn the news channel off because I was sick of hearing the same information again and again and again and again! Maybe it's to do with work as well, because as the 'senior wellbeing officer', all of a sudden, the senior leaders and everyone else is adding me to groups and email trails to pull together support for staff during this time, so I really cannot get away from it. Sometimes I struggle a bit at work with imposter syndrome (maybe I'll write a post about this in the future if you're interested??), because I feel like 'who am I to tell people how to look after their mental health and wellbeing when I can't do it myself?', but anyway, that's what I'm having to do at the minute. 

Anyway, I could feel myself absorbing the panic a little bit, and then last night when Boris made the big announcement that we were on lockdown, I lost it and cried. It was just a little panic cry and then I was okay, but as soon as I went downstairs and mum and dad were all "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SPEECH?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!" I properly lost it. Yepp, and cue panic attack. Admittedly, it was a pretty short one, I think the actual attack, as in the crying and not breathing only lasted about 5 minutes, but it was so intense, it wasn't diluted or spread out at all. If you didn't know, a lot of my anxiety is caused when I feel trapped, or otherwise known as cleithrophobia (different to claustrophobia), so being told you can't leave the house was the final trigger. Now it's the next day obviously I've reassessed it all, and sometimes I have two minds about things - my rational brain and my anxiety brain: so my rational brain is of course telling me I can still leave the house, I can still go for a run, I can go and sit in the garden; but then my anxiety brain is all 'nooooo you cannot leave, you will be stuck in the house forevermoreeeeeee'. And I know people have it a lot worse than me, people are literally dying, I know that, but it doesn't mean I can't be affected by it. It's like the 'what have you got to be depressed about' attitude. 

So last night, I slept for about 10 hours, clearly the anxiety had been building for a while, and then I had to just get on with it today because luckily I can still work from home. Had a video-meeting with my manager at 9am, told her I was fine, had a little cry afterwards because she was telling me about this new load of work I'm now involved with, and then I just got on with the day. I'm now having daily meetings about the support for staff during this confusing and scary time, so I need to make sure I'm taking my own advice too. 
Although we will no doubt fall out at some point, luckily both of my parents are also here so I'm not completely isolated, and mum is also working, so we sometimes have lunch together and make sure we both take breaks. I've also started running again, I've found a lush 5k(ish) run along the canal so I'm making sure I try and get that done as my 'one daily exercise' not only so I don't go back to work the size of a bus, but because I know it's good for my head too. I'm not working any more hours than I would usually; I'm making sure I take breaks throughout the day; and most importantly as of today, I will be making time to binge everything on Disney+, starting with either Zack & Cody or Hannah Montana! Oh, and I've also constantly got my bae, Taylor Swift playing in the background when I'm not on a video call! 

There's so much information about looking after your mental health and wellbeing available online, so I'm not going to repeat what's already there, but whatever your situation is, I hope you're all keeping well, looking after your mental health and wellbeing, and as of last night, staying home. Honestly, the quicker we all adhere to the rules, the quicker this will be over, and we can all be out in beer gardens and watching Love Island. 

Hopefully it won't be three months before I write my next post, but I'm not promising! In the meantime, make sure you're following my twitter and instagram if you are interested in some 6/10 content. 

xo//

p.s I'd love it if you could subscribe to any future blogs by clicking the subscribe button at the top of the page!

Comments

  1. I LOVED READING THIS POST and I kid you not I wish you had daily blog updates b/c I would reaaaad ittt alllllllllll. I'm so sorry that throughout all this mess it's been hard with your anxiety, I love that you said you take breaks and spend time with your mom and binge Disney +, all things that are full of comfort and love and peace. You inspire me to run every-time, like I was putting of running today cause I woke up late and don't have time for anything, but really is there ever? I really want to start making fitness a priority, so thank you for always cheering and motivating me, I should put on a podcast and just get right to running lol. Congrats on the bf ;) Hope he treats you like the queen you are! AND DEF AM INTERESTED IN AN IMPOSTER SYNDROME POST, b/c that's just so damn relatable I feel that every single day. LOVE YOU TO THE MOON!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girrrrl, I love youuuu!!!! Thank you so so much for everything you've just said, you never fail to make me smile! Okay okay I'll get onto my imposter syndrome blog asap, it's not like I'm busy out living my life atm!! Hope we both get a starbucks sooooon, love you more than white mochas xxxxxxx

      Delete

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mental illness vs. emotions

"OMG I'm so depressed that I can't go out this weekend!" - no, you're not depressed, you're just annoyed.

I really think that part of the problem with people's understanding of mental health is how it's spoken about in the media/tv/films etc. People use 'depressed' and 'anxious' as moods the same way they use 'happy' and 'sad', but they're not. It's the same thing with calling people 'anorexic' as a compliment as the Kardashians have been caught in hot water for doing multiple times. Talking about mental illnesses like this makes them seem like trivial things that aren't important, aren't terrifying, aren't serious.

There is a massive difference between feeling sad and having Depression; there's a massive difference between feeling stressed or anxious and having Anxiety. I guess this kinds of contradicts my previous comment about 'anxious' not being a mood, but people can definit…

Anxiety & Me: having the BBC pay for therapy is nice, but is it real?

Oh hey, me again.

I watched the BBC programme last month called Anxiety and Me featuring Nadiya Hussain and I thought I would write a blog post about it, because I know my opinion is so important and people live based on what I say (I'm joking, just in case you can't sense the sarcasm there)! Just for anyone who is new here (hi!), I have been diagnosed with Anxiety since 2015 but I think I've actually had it for a lot longer than four years.

Overall, I thought it was great. I thought it gave a really good understanding of how Anxiety can feel for someone, and even my boyfriend of nearly 4 years said he learned more about the illness and how it can make me feel. So clearly, it was very informative and clear. I loved how raw and real it was: I started crying after the first five minutes because it hit me so hard. (Disclaimer: I'm going to openly talk about things that happen in the programme so if you wanted to watch it first go and do that now!)

At the start when Nadiya…

Bringing back the fire in her eyes

Oh hey thereeee, don't know if you remember me?! It's been nearly 4 months since I wrote a post: life's been a bit crazy, so I hope you're ready for a big one! This is my end of year/end of decade (say what?!?!) post, where I want to just round everything up and leave a lot of things in this year, and not have it follow me into the next.

So this year, there have been some pretty big changes to life: I moved house in January, started a job which I'm loving, went on a couple of holidays, and then shit hit the fan big time - I made the decision to leave my boyfriend of 3 and a half years.

I'm not going to go into all the details even though I'd love to spill the tea so those who haven't asked could hear my side, but the majority has been put to bed, and I don't want this to be a bashing post. However, it was fucking awful. I'd been unhappy for a while, probably for about 5 months before I actually cut the cord because I kept telling myself I was be…