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Bringing back the fire in her eyes

Oh hey thereeee, don't know if you remember me?! It's been nearly 4 months since I wrote a post: life's been a bit crazy, so I hope you're ready for a big one! This is my end of year/end of decade (say what?!?!) post, where I want to just round everything up and leave a lot of things in this year, and not have it follow me into the next.

So this year, there have been some pretty big changes to life: I moved house in January, started a job which I'm loving, went on a couple of holidays, and then shit hit the fan big time - I made the decision to leave my boyfriend of 3 and a half years.

I'm not going to go into all the details even though I'd love to spill the tea so those who haven't asked could hear my side, but the majority has been put to bed, and I don't want this to be a bashing post. However, it was fucking awful. I'd been unhappy for a while, probably for about 5 months before I actually cut the cord because I kept telling myself I was being stupid. Lonnnnnng story short, I'd lost who I was, so much of the relationship was wrong, he was isolating me from everyone, gaslighting me (which I didn't even see until I'd left), telling me nobody would "put up with me" like he did...I used to ask all the time if he still liked me and loved me, maybe if he made me feel like he did, I wouldn't have to ask. Anyway, I made the terrifying decision to leave, and move back into my parents' house. Thank god I had them because I ended up having to get the police involved, was told not to go anywhere by myself, had to have a DASH risk assessment done. I guess you never really know a person, and you really never know what goes on behind closed doors, queue the 'but I thought you two were happy!' - HAHA. It's made me question a lot of things, question parts of myself, but it's also made me realise a lot. Realise who's in my corner and who I can actually rely on. It's funny how quickly people expect you to be okay without even asking. This whole thing has made it so clear who my real friends are and who I can actually turn to, not just when I knew I needed them, but when I was trying to shut myself off from the world, who climbed over that wall. The people I'm talking about will know who they are, and to you, I am so so grateful. And to those who are thinking 'oh I didn't know all of this happened' or 'hmm maybe I should've asked how she was doing', yeah that's been noted too. I'm done emptying my own jug into other people for them to not fill me back up.

However, I'm on my way back up. The song from Waitress (which I went to see and LOVED) called 'She Used to be Mine' was a bit of an anthem for me through those months, and I couldn't get past the lyrics "who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up; when she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love" without crying, because that's exactly how I felt. But now, the fire is back in my eyes and I'm not lying down and taking any less than what I fucking deserve. I'm done with shit friends, I'm done with settling, I'm done wasting time. 

So yeah, the last year has been a pretty big one, has Mercury been in retrograde the whole time or something!? But a lot has happened in the last decade too, as I'm sure it has for everyone. At the start of this decade I was still at my first secondary school which is a massive cause of all my mental health issues, feeling suicidal all of the time and doing things I'm not proud of. But then I moved schools and met some of the best people I could've asked for who are still some of my best friends. I got to uni, which I honestly don't think I would have managed if I hadn't moved schools. Uni was a set of new challenges: living away from home, the actual degree, and getting diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I'm not going to go into all the details because I've banged on about it enough in other blog posts, but that was a whole new battle in itself. I still have issues to work through, don't get me wrong, but I'm so much better now than I was, even compared to the start of this year. To be honest, I don't think you ever fully recover from a mental illness, it's something you just live with and manage, but it's not who I am anymore, it's just a factor. 

So, the roaring 20s, what's next? I don't have a lot of grand plans, I hope to just continue to do well at work, have fun with the people who make me happy, and by the end of the decade, hopefully be with someone who loves me without making it seem like a chore (hopefully this will come before the end of the next decade 😂).

I'm not one for making resolutions anymore, I just want to make life choices which make me happy.

Thanks to those to have supported this little blog and me in general, whether it's been the last 6 months or the last 10 years, I hope you have the best decade ever 💓



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