What if?


What if is such a weird concept isn't it? If you think about it too long it can really mess with your head, it's like trying to imagine the inside of a black hole, it makes me feel strange.

You can look at the question what if in so many ways -
what if... my mum and dad never met, I went to a different school, I was born a year later/earlier, I was the opposite sex, I'd never met that person, we never broke up, I had a different job...the list of what ifs is infinite, and there's no way of ever knowing.



I look at me and my boyfriend and think about it sometimes, because I'm a believer in fate. If I hadn't gone to Cardiff uni, if I hadn't got a job at Sainsbury's, if I had been offered a transfer to a different store, if he hadn't moved to Cardiff, if he didn't work at Sainsbury's, we'd have never met. It's a weird one, how of all the possible outcomes, that's the one that happened, and I'm glad it did.

It makes me think about how different my life could be if little things had happened differently (not that I wish it had), but for example, if I hadn't been bullied and kicked to rock bottom, maybe I would have never had mental health issues, I wouldn't have moved schools and have the friends I do now, I could have ended up not going to uni at all and never meeting the people I know now, like Luke, and that thought really makes me dizzy.

What if also plays a role in my anxiety - I always think up of a million different outcomes that could happen in scenarios that make me anxious. Like when I'm in a lift, I think 'what if it stops, what if I can't get out, what if I'm stuck on my own, what if I'm stuck with loads of people', and that's what sets my brain going a million miles an hour. What ifs can result in you saying no to opportunities, 'what if it goes wrong', but like the image above: 'what if it goes right?' I have to remind myself of this sometimes, remind myself that the worse case scenario isn't always a certainty, but be aware that it's a possibility.

There's a mathematical equation out there somewhere about how small the likelihood is that your great great great grandparents met, then your great great, your great, your grandparents and parents met, and it's minute, which is why I believe in fate. There are things that me and Luke have in common, or times we would have probably walked past each other and never known, and it's things like that which make me believe in it. But I still wonder sometimes, what if something had happened differently...

xo//

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