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Not everyone you lose is a loss/Appreciation post

I don't really know how to start this, and as of writing this, I'm not sure if I'll even publish it, I feel like writing this just to get it out there and 'on paper' as such.

**Disclaimer: of course, this is about real people, and real friendships, but I don't mean anything as a dig to anyone, it's just facts from how I've seen things...not trying to bring up dead drama.**

All my life, I have struggled with making friends: I guess being an only child is part of it, and I wasn't used to socialising at a young age, but I still remember my mum forcing me to "go and ask that girl if you can play with her" every summer holiday, and I HATED it. It got to the point where I managed to persuade mum and dad let me take a friend on holiday with me instead. This hatred of speaking to new people still hasn't changed...

I don't know if you could call it social anxiety, but I definitely have some sort of anxiety surrounding meeting new people, especially if there's nobody else I know, and I'm completely on my own. Even now, when I go on training courses for work and there's nobody I know in the room, I'm pretty quiet for the whole day (which some of my friends would be grateful for!), because I hate speaking to people I don't know.

Anyway, as a result of this, I find it quite hard to form friendships. When I moved to Kingsley, I was with a different group of people for the first four days I was there to the point I went home crying, saying "I have no friends, I just want to be friends with Lydia" (soz guys, Lydzz came out number one that day ;) - probs didn't help that Zoë told everyone I was a bitch haha).

But eventually, the losers who I have called my best friends for the last 8 years gave in and let me hang out with them, and although most of us have had our fallouts, probably most of the time due to my stubbornness(!), I know that they're the ones I can turn to anytime, any day. They're the ones I still speak to every day, and the ones that I know I can depend on, and the ones I'll have to buy 7 bridesmaids dresses for when the time comes!

I know I've sent you all soppy messages/cards before guys, but I'm so grateful for all of you. 

So the second part of this blog, the other side of the friends you can rely on forever, are the friends you lose. 

So long story short, I don't speak to anyone that I met at uni. Through different reasons and circumstances, they're not in my life anymore - this was the part I wasn't sure whether to add. So my first group of friends from uni who I lived with for all three years are now all blocked on all social media, and I don't want any contact with them ever again. Sounds dramatic I know, but it's really not. The last two years of uni were pretty shit because of the situation in my houses, and I was just very different to the other people in my house, we had very little in common, which led to disagreements and arguments, so that friend-ship is down with the Titanic (I'm sorry for the pun).

The second group of friends from uni, who this time last year I would have considered to be my best friends (as well as the homegurrrls), and would have made the effort to stay in contact with them after uni, and again, I sent them soppy messages about how grateful I was for them, but this quickly came to a halt after graduation. Again, I won't go into details, but the situation changed, again, I'm not saying I'm innocent in the situation, but I felt very let down by them, and once a bridge has been burned with me, there is no rebuilding - I've been hurt too often by people I thought I could rely on, and I rarely give people a second chance if they've let me down the way these people did.

I guess the point of this, is although I have had other friends in the last 4 years since I went to uni, your true friends always come through at the end of it. Even though I live in Cardiff still, and we all live in various places, from France, to Canada and back home in the Shire, it showed me that the friendships I thought were real probably weren't, and they've shown me the importance of appreciating the good ones. 

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