Something I've never really spoken about - OCD/Body dysmorphia
I know I haven't posted on here for over 18 months, and I don't know if this will become a regular thing, or just a one off. I became really uninspired and lacked any ideas of what to write about, hence the hauls of Lush products. I also don't know if I'm even going to publish this post, or keep it up for long if I do.
As I'm sure most of you reading this are aware, I have depression and anxiety. Although I am working on getting better mentally through a combination of anti-depressants and counselling, there are still battles I must fight nearly everyday.
Within my second session with my counsellor about two years ago, she said that I was the textbook example of a perfectionist: she didn't say it in terms of the everyday common meaning, she meant that I tick every box when it comes to describing it. This goes hand in hand with my anxiety and then depression in turn. For example, I fight for perfection from myself everyday, even if that means setting the bar way too high, and from that, I get anxious about succeeding and being perfect, and then if I don't achieve 100% in whatever it may be, my self esteem is knocked, and then welcome the depression, and the cycle goes on.
As a result of the anxiety and perfectionism, I also have OCD. Although people who know me will know that I like a clean and tidy environment, and I love organising, it's not actually that typical OCD that affects how I live my life. The obsessive thoughts surround my body, and another thing my counsellor spoke about with me is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). As a result of the bullying when I was younger, I had a minor eating disorder which went between binge eating and anorexia. Although I never ended up in hospital or 'looked anorexic' as a lot of people have said to me, the restriction and the obsession with food was there, and it still affects me now. BDD means that I obsess over how my body looks and I see something different to others. It also makes me so anxious in certain social situations when I feel fat in what I'm wearing and feel like the fat friend when I'm with the girls.
It got to a point a couple of years ago where I was going to the gym for 2 hours a day and eating minimal calories, and although I lost a lot of weight in very little time, it just wasn't maintainable. Within 3 months of not restricting and not going to the gym, I had put on nearly a stone because obviously my body needed it. However, since being in a relationship and putting on 'happy weight', I have now put on more weight and I'm unhappy when I look at myself now. So yes, I'm controlling what I eat but making a mental effort to not let it become 'restricting' what I eat instead. I have also started running again, but purposely not signed up to a gym so that I can't get obsessed with that again. It's difficult to find that balance of being healthy and happy with my body, but not restricting myself and wanting to enjoy the food I eat.
I don't expect the mentality to change overnight, but hopefully I will get to a point where I am happy when I look in the mirror, but also enjoy my food and exercising in order to be healthy, not to get down to a certain weight on the scales. I just keep telling myself that it's okay not to be 'better' yet, but I'm getting there.
Also, I haven't added any photos to this post because I don't feel that it's needed, nor do I know what kind of images would be relevant.
xo//
p.s I'd love it if you could subscribe to any future blogs by clicking the subscribe button at the top of the page!
As I'm sure most of you reading this are aware, I have depression and anxiety. Although I am working on getting better mentally through a combination of anti-depressants and counselling, there are still battles I must fight nearly everyday.
Within my second session with my counsellor about two years ago, she said that I was the textbook example of a perfectionist: she didn't say it in terms of the everyday common meaning, she meant that I tick every box when it comes to describing it. This goes hand in hand with my anxiety and then depression in turn. For example, I fight for perfection from myself everyday, even if that means setting the bar way too high, and from that, I get anxious about succeeding and being perfect, and then if I don't achieve 100% in whatever it may be, my self esteem is knocked, and then welcome the depression, and the cycle goes on.
As a result of the anxiety and perfectionism, I also have OCD. Although people who know me will know that I like a clean and tidy environment, and I love organising, it's not actually that typical OCD that affects how I live my life. The obsessive thoughts surround my body, and another thing my counsellor spoke about with me is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). As a result of the bullying when I was younger, I had a minor eating disorder which went between binge eating and anorexia. Although I never ended up in hospital or 'looked anorexic' as a lot of people have said to me, the restriction and the obsession with food was there, and it still affects me now. BDD means that I obsess over how my body looks and I see something different to others. It also makes me so anxious in certain social situations when I feel fat in what I'm wearing and feel like the fat friend when I'm with the girls.
It got to a point a couple of years ago where I was going to the gym for 2 hours a day and eating minimal calories, and although I lost a lot of weight in very little time, it just wasn't maintainable. Within 3 months of not restricting and not going to the gym, I had put on nearly a stone because obviously my body needed it. However, since being in a relationship and putting on 'happy weight', I have now put on more weight and I'm unhappy when I look at myself now. So yes, I'm controlling what I eat but making a mental effort to not let it become 'restricting' what I eat instead. I have also started running again, but purposely not signed up to a gym so that I can't get obsessed with that again. It's difficult to find that balance of being healthy and happy with my body, but not restricting myself and wanting to enjoy the food I eat.
I don't expect the mentality to change overnight, but hopefully I will get to a point where I am happy when I look in the mirror, but also enjoy my food and exercising in order to be healthy, not to get down to a certain weight on the scales. I just keep telling myself that it's okay not to be 'better' yet, but I'm getting there.
Also, I haven't added any photos to this post because I don't feel that it's needed, nor do I know what kind of images would be relevant.
xo//
p.s I'd love it if you could subscribe to any future blogs by clicking the subscribe button at the top of the page!
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