Something I've never really spoken about - OCD/Body dysmorphia

I know I haven't posted on here for over 18 months, and I don't know if this will become a regular thing, or just a one off. I became really uninspired and lacked any ideas of what to write about, hence the hauls of Lush products. I also don't know if I'm even going to publish this post, or keep it up for long if I do.

As I'm sure most of you reading this are aware, I have depression and anxiety. Although I am working on getting better mentally through a combination of anti-depressants and counselling, there are still battles I must fight nearly everyday.

Within my second session with my counsellor about two years ago, she said that I was the textbook example of a perfectionist: she didn't say it in terms of the everyday common meaning, she meant that I tick every box when it comes to describing it. This goes hand in hand with my anxiety and then depression in turn. For example, I fight for perfection from myself everyday, even if that means setting the bar way too high, and from that, I get anxious about succeeding and being perfect, and then if I don't achieve 100% in whatever it may be, my self esteem is knocked, and then welcome the depression, and the cycle goes on.

As a result of the anxiety and perfectionism, I also have OCD. Although people who know me will know that I like a clean and tidy environment, and I love organising, it's not actually that typical OCD that affects how I live my life. The obsessive thoughts surround my body, and another thing my counsellor spoke about with me is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). As a result of the bullying when I was younger, I had a minor eating disorder which went between binge eating and anorexia. Although I never ended up in hospital or 'looked anorexic' as a lot of people have said to me, the restriction and the obsession with food was there, and it still affects me now. BDD means that I obsess over how my body looks and I see something different to others. It also makes me so anxious in certain social situations when I feel fat in what I'm wearing and feel like the fat friend when I'm with the girls.

It got to a point a couple of years ago where I was going to the gym for 2 hours a day and eating minimal calories, and although I lost a lot of weight in very little time, it just wasn't maintainable. Within 3 months of not restricting and not going to the gym, I had put on nearly a stone because obviously my body needed it. However, since being in a relationship and putting on 'happy weight', I have now put on more weight and I'm unhappy when I look at myself now. So yes, I'm controlling what I eat but making a mental effort to not let it become 'restricting' what I eat instead. I have also started running again, but purposely not signed up to a gym so that I can't get obsessed with that again. It's difficult to find that balance of being healthy and happy with my body, but not restricting myself and wanting to enjoy the food I eat.

I don't expect the mentality to change overnight, but hopefully I will get to a point where I am happy when I look in the mirror, but also enjoy my food and exercising in order to be healthy, not to get down to a certain weight on the scales. I just keep telling myself that it's okay not to be 'better' yet, but I'm getting there.

Also, I haven't added any photos to this post because I don't feel that it's needed, nor do I know what kind of images would be relevant.

xo//

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