An Introduction: Psychobitch

For many years now I have known that something is not right with me mentally. I find myself in foul moods, crying for no reason, feeling exhausted when I've slept for 10 hours and feeling utterly useless. When I went home for Christmas from university, I decided that I needed to tell a professional what was going on so we could look into finding a solution; I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

When I was in years 8 and 9 (age 12-14), I was bullied horrendously to the point where I wasn't eating anything, skiving off school, and having genuine thoughts about wanting to kill myself. Obviously, puberty is a time in your life where a big part of your personality and your mind develop and the fact mine was being constantly put down had, and still does have, a massive effect on my life. Depression is also in my family so I suppose it was inevitable that I was never going to be mentally 100% healthy without help, it was just lying in my brain like a volcano waiting for the trigger to explode. The fact that I have only just done something about it definitely has not helped.

I'm writing this post, not for sympathy, but for people who know me in particular, so that when I'm in an unexplainably bad mood and I'm crying for no reason, this is why. Also, maybe someone will read this realising they feel the same as I do and it might make them realise that they're not crazy, like I used to think I was.

Due to the depression, and due to the fact my self-esteem and confidence was completely shattered all those years ago, I become very attached, very quickly, to any guy who gives me positive attention. I then react completely irrationally when they let me down or it doesn't develop the way I hoped it to; hence the name I've given that part of me: psychobitch. To give a light-hearted comparison, I kind of become like Taylor Swift in the 'Blank Space' music video (my friends would definitely agree with that). Seriously though, even with friends, if anybody lets me down in the smallest way, I feel like the world is coming to an end and that they're not my friend anymore because I'm too much to deal with. I'm not for one second saying I'm the world's greatest friend and I've never let anybody down, but I guess I just take it more to heart because I feel as if it's my fault. It's bad, but it's because I depend on other people to be happy. I am never in a situation just feeling happy for no reason, I only ever feel sad for no reason. This is why I find myself being so exhausted, because I have to pretend to be happy, and some days, when I find myself asking 'would it really matter if I just disappeared?', that is an awful lot of effort for me.

Then there's the anxiety. This is quite a new thing for me, I haven't had anxiety for nearly as long as I would say I've had depression. I feel like the anxiety was brought on when I was leaving school and going to university. I had my first full-blown panic attack in Magaluf during the paint party where there was a mass of sweaty, topless guys (not ones with nice bodies either! :p) pushing me and a couple of my friends into a wall because they were having so much fun and I just forgot how to breathe. I looked at my friend, in tears, and just said to her, 'I need to get out of here before I collapse'. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I could not stop crying for the world. Since then, I looked into panic attacks and what can cause them and coping techniques. It's probably due to the amount of change I was and am going through but I have been experiencing a lot more panic attacks at university. This was hard because nobody around me knew how to make me feel better and I didn't know what to tell them helped because my 'home-friends' just know how to sort me out. This lead to me having to ring my friends at home on a couple of occasions and luckily they still managed to sort me out hundreds of miles away. I've now learned that caffeine and alcohol can bring on panic attacks more so I'm trying to cut out as much as possible, but obviously being a Fresher, this isn't always possible.

Now I know what's wrong with me, and having told my parents about how I've been feeling I feel a lot better. Just accepting there was something wrong with me was a big step for me. I am now on the waiting list to see a physiologist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), so hopefully this will help me.

To anybody who is reading this and has a lack of understanding of mental illness, this sums it up perfectly:

Hopefully this gives some people a better idea of what's going on in my head.

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